Living Today Loved to Death BY GREG EUBANKS Last Christmas, my family got a fish tank for my son. The fish destined to live in this tank would belong to him. He would be in charge of taking care of them, and it sounded like a good plan. We prepared the fish tank according to advice from the pet store and all was working well until, one by one, the fish began to die. We expected this to some degree, but the consistency of their eventual death had us stumped. We tried different fish, switching from tropical to the more hardy-and less expensive – goldfish. They all died. As I write this, we have one poor fish left, and we are having a death watch over this poor thing. It’s interesting to hear a little voice shout out every morning, "He’s not dead, yet!" Well we recently found out a clue as to the root cause of the death epidemic in our tank. A friend was babysitting recently and told me of her discovery. It seems she walked around the corner into the living room and discovered my son standing on a stool, arm into the fish tank up to his elbow. He froze, his eyes widening a bit as she approached. She tells me that she noticed he was cupping one of the fish in his hand, and it was particularly close to the surface of the water, if not above the surface. When she asked what he was doing my little boy replied, sheepishly, "I’m just lovin’ him." Such pure motives with such devastating results! Although he had no desire to harm his pets, his love was literally smothering the ones he cared for so much. Can you relate? I would argue that we’ve all struggled with the temptation to smother those we love, whether our children or our spouse. We get so carried away that we run the danger of stealing their autonomy, their independence. How do you draw the line in your relationships between co-existing and enmeshment to find true intimacy? How do you make decisions as a parent that fall in between the extremes of enabling and neglect? Our children might not have the opportunity to learn self-reliance because our over-protectiveness robs them of the chance to fail. By doing that, one could argue that we also take away their ability to truly succeed. Likewise, we are guilty of ruining perfectly good relationships because of our so-called "love" which is tinged with jealousy, guilt, erroneous expectations, or our own insecurities. We must come to the understanding that love is risky. It allows for the autonomy of others. It is patient. Love is secure enough to trust the reciprocity of one’s beloved. To quote I Corinthians (NLT) "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." We should all take note that this verse does not include the phrase, ‘Love takes steps to ensure that it gets it’s own way. Love lets jealousy and insecurity erode it’s trust. Love values its ability to protect more than it values another’s right to try, to fail, or to succeed.’ Wow, this love thing is tough. Though our motives may be pure, we can run the risk of tragedy when we fail to truly love another: to be tough, vulnerable, unselfish, or patient. Greg Eubanks is the Administrator for Buckner Chidlren & Family Services in Longview. Email your ideas and comments to familiestoday@buckner.org